Majicka, the Prologue

Bisa diterjemahin ke bahasa Indonesia? Mungkin akan lebih enak dibaca. :)

Singkat kata : Grim Reaper??

My, my... Dalam penceritaan situasi udah okelah. Cuman dalam ceritanya sama sekali tidak disebutkan untuk bagian selanjutnya. Jadi kesannya kurang stimulatif (Baca : Memancing)

Lanjutkanlah.

berharap ku yg payah ini bisa sehebat-mu, tapi aku ngerti koq sedikit2...
kayaknya, walau ditulis pke english tapi plot ceritanya masih kurang keliatan, mungkin lebih bagus penyetaraan aja antara, deskripsi, dialog dan plot...
(itu kayaknya loch, english-ku kan ancoer)

sebelumna, salam kenal..., aku member baru
baca ceritaku dan jadi temenku ya...^^

The English somehow sounds like Asian-English instead English-English. Some words seem to be interpret from word to word. I don't know, just I don't feel comfort on the words selection.

Shaky should be shakey, and it is a slang language. How about using 'trembling' instead?

I can't comment the storyline, it's still common for now but I think this story have big chance to be a fantastic one.

You always use most unusual english words, it's very enjoyable and adds to my dictionary as well ^^. My comment is still the same as for most of your stories and poems, that is flow.

I think this is your only weak point, but also a very vital point. Without good flow, people will have a hard time reading your story. Even the most simple story will be a pain to read without nice flow.

Sh*t

bahasa inggris smua. Daku gak ngerti.
God... Kill me

Disini ada beberapa kalimat2 yang tidak begitu efektif rasanya.. seperti

She could not save anyone. She could not protect anyone.

Mungkin bisa diubah menjadi

She could not save nor protect anyone.

Ato apalah gitu. Agak banyak pengulangan kalimat yang tidak jauh beda dengan kalimat sebelumnya. Agak janggal kalau menurutku
Inggrisku tidak begitu bagus T.T jadi maklum. Dikau ubah2 sendiri deh ya

Oh ya, kenapa di prolog sini pakai past tense? Apa mungkin ini terjadi di masa lalu Majicka?
Hmm ^^ lanjut dulu deeh..

First I want to give a congratulation for you to had written and English story ^^,

Hmm....Cuz it is still a prologue, I thnik I can't give any comments for now......

BU, YEAH!! This is a good prologue....

Drop some comments to my story, please ^^,

He,he, For being rude, I apologize.

This is my first comment to you so bear with it.

After all I must accept that your english is so good, at least better than mine.

And though I dont know reasoning behind your writing in English, actually I agree that this language is better at expressing something than our mother language.

This prologue is good, yet it doesnt really help the reader to understand, what this story about (sigh, i shouldnt say it after what I wrote in my CoDE T_T, apology please).

The markable point is how good you at describing the scene, at least the reader will go into the mood (rather dark I think).

I have no sugestion for now, just KEEP WRITING EVEN IF TOMORROW THE WORLD WILL END. >_<

NOT BAD... meski aq g begitu gape ber english ria, tapi kata yg qm pilih cukup mudah dipahami.... saluuut ! terus berkarya .........

bagaus... sosok bgmanakah Majicka itu?? ...

very good story, baguuuus

This is good story :-)

wah jadi ngebayangin gimana bentuk Majicka

bener kata noir.. ini mah klo di jadiin teaser keren banget.. tapi klu prolog keknya kurang memberikan dasar hoho~~ tapi keren banget lo teaser nya..

It is an interesting beginning, I feel I jump into a new challenging game animation with a new character.

I was in Japan for a long, and I (she is) also a new character. Nice to have you as my best friend.

Chatarou

Still work in it? I'm curious about the conflict inside this woman. Why does she feel angry and powerless to save other people. Good work afterall. Comment my works too ya :)

Ini mah bukan prolog dri, ini mah teaser...

Hmm... I don't often read english fantasies, especially ones which written by Indonesian. But this one is good. I can imagine the scene, you're good at this.
I just have one question: how someone is able to fight with both sword and staff? These weapons are not usual combination.

makin banyak aja nih orang indo yang bikin cerita fantasi pakai bahasa inggris. ternyata fireheart-ku bukan yang pertama...
coba deh lihat prolog fireheart versi inggrisku di www.fireheart.tk

makin asyik aja aku nongkrong di www.kemudian.com ini! membuka wawasan!

gua belom nangkep maksudnya..baca punya gua ya "Pada suatu hari"

Sama dengan Mas Bamby. Kelebihan lain dari cerita berbahasa asing adalah bisa diekspor. Siapa tahu, ada produser Hollywood yang nyasar di sini? Siapa tahu?
Paragraf terakhir, kok, begitu, ya?

wow dari gue!! ^-^

Whaaa! Teman-teman. Makasih buat komentar dan pointnya. Saya jadi terharu. Ga nyangka bakal dapet sambutan sebanyak ini :D Padahal cerita ini bisa dibilang asal jadi. Konsepnya juga belom mateng.

Guys, please read my poems & stories at K.com ^_^

It should have a more subtle and settling ending. NOt necessarily conclusive.

By the way, this reminds me a lot of Terry Pratchett's the Witches Abroad..

walaupun rada bingung bacanya, entah knapa ini ngena pisan di hati...
entah kenapa....

Keep writing aja dech. Pertama, kalo buat cerita dengan bhs asing pasti lebih susah, kedua cerita ini bisa go public bisa di ekspor hehehe

kayaknya lebih enak membaca dalam bahasa indonesia, maknanya lebih dapat, tapi salut lho dengan bhs inggrisnya. kok mandek sampai prolog.
Komen ceritaku ya, salam kenal. (Yuni)

good prologue, di tunggu aja lanjutannya

I'm a first time learner, so, it was a lil bit difficult to understand every word, but you did grest! I wonder for the next episode.
Thanks for your comment on my story. I don't mind at all about your correction, I apreciate it. I wrote english story because I love english very much.
keep in touch, okay?!

bahasa inggris!! tulung cat ndak begitu ngerti bahasa inggris.

cat cari program translation dulu.

Adrian sudah lama tidak posting ..
makin keren ui

Mulai sekarang, aku akan terus berdoa supaya bisa jadi penulis sehebat kamu(terutama b.inggrisna)!
Baca juga cerita2ku ya....^_^

sapa yang ngumpetin kamus gw, kamus gw mana?? gw mo baca karyanye adrian niiih. hihihi.

wah adrian bangkit lagi, betapa kemane aje brooo, gak ada kabarnye.

sip di tunggu lanjutannya ^_^

*toyor dikit
*kaboooorrrrr

Mas, ane mau nyoba belajar baca-baca cerita english macam ini. Guide me ya...

Terus melangkah...

I like the prologue. It's intense.

Pembukaan yang bagus, idenya juga. Tapi alangkah senangnya kalo saya bisa baca ceritanya. Ditunggu ya chapter I nya ...

bung adrian, ini garing...

Umm, kalau aku sih, bila ingin menulis dan emang udah enggak tahan lagi, aku pasti bakal nulis. Sekalipun cuma coret2an plot kasar dan jadinya asal-asalan. Jadi jangan terlalu dipikirin, ya?

akhirnya diposting jg toh? hehe..
ditunggu lanjutannya, hun..

naskah lama toh. ngga seru ah, Yan. minta yang baru :p *nyebelin mode on*

btw Adrian ... Saya ngga tahu kenapa, ngga suka ada semacam chatter di dalam postingan :D kekekeke. kan dah dikasih catatan penulis sama moderator.

Wish I could write an English story someday. Still have no gut to do it. Nice, mas.. It build my curiosity. Please write the next chapter soon, ya? Kekekeke...
By the way, "...angry to her herself...". Should it be "...angry to herself.."? Sorry, me not sure too...^_^

not so bad

nice adrian! Jadi pingin baca lanjutannya negh.